2006-10
31

Bye Fan de Club

By xrspook @ 20:29:42 归类于: 烂日记

Cerrado
Chao
Nothing will be changed; the first snapshot means the website (Fan de Club) will be closed definitive from tomorrow (2006-11-01). The only thing you can see is the snapshot, all the website has been moved away except the forum, and in the 0:00 AM of 1 November, the only forum will out of touch the same. Undoubtedly, I feel very sad. This must be the most horrible Halloween for me till now.

 

Right now, I read the message of Martha and Marcela carefully, of course including others' replies. And maybe I know the reason why such things happened together in a short time. Suddenly, I knew the decision of Marcela was right and must be painful, so was Martha's. As a female, I could feel the desperate of Marcela between the lines; I understand she had done her best to maintain the bond of love but without use. She must be the loyal one in this marriage. Love is a thing of two. Once you lose, it's hard to retrieve again. You can keep back the body, however, not mental either. It's none of my business to know what had happen in other's family and I have no right to ask for the reason. Even so, as a loyal fan, I have paid a lot of time in it as well. Almost all of my time online is about it, you know, it's about 4 years! Could anybody tell me what I should do from now on when I surf on internet? It must be a long time to adjust to the new life.

I was doing experiment in front of clean beanth, singing and nothing in my brain just as yesterday when I was rope skipping. This afternoon, I shared my bad feeling of my partner of Mangrove Team. I couldn't help to talking a lot. In her eyes, some days ago, she thought I was strong, now, she might know in some degree I was as effeminacy as other girls especially in emotional, which is about feeling. I could just tell black from white, in my emotional dictionary there's a word called "gray". I told her all the things about Fan de Club and JEA which was my admirer a few days ago. I asked her who's wrong, the man or the woman? In my opinion, I couldn't accept the idea that they divorce because they had found better partners of them. She told me, there's no need to tell apart the right one from the other, who is the betrayer and who is not. She said my admirer had fallen in love with others then couldn't get rid of, and it's impossible to separate the new lovers. So, they divorced, using the most directly way to end the painful relation, it's good for both. Yes, she's right, I think I always struggle with is the problem of betrayer, and I have knew the "loving law" as well. I just could not connect this situation and that definition together. She's definitive right, because I'm the one in the periphery of the game, I could not use my head soberly, and she is far from the game, then, she still has cool head.

Time heals everything. It's easy said than done. Everybody says all good things must come to an end, just takes it easy. In my part, that's very very difficult to put down such feeling, because I am a human being. I could not lie to my heart.

I think this song fit me well now: http://distritos.telepolis.com/bettylafea/lib/Musica/07_-_Como_se_cura_una_herida_-__Jaci_Velasquez.mp3

2006-10
30

Can’t Believe

By xrspook @ 19:03:25 归类于: 烂日记

Separación

See all the essay snapshot in Spanish: http://xrspook2.blogbus.com/files/1162212335.gif
See all the essay snapshot in translated English: http://xrspook2.blogbus.com/files/1162212311.gif

I heard two pieces of terrible news this few days. First, Jorge and Marcela had separated; then today, Martha said she would close Club of Fan very soon. In my part, that is all my happy time online, what I will do in future. It’s time I have to say goodbye to the friends this years.

It’s the second time in my life I really feel sad because of separation. The first time was when I was in high school, my classmate left us to Australia study. Though she was not my best friend, yet I moved indeed, all of us cried together that noon. Just at that afternoon, we had a math test, she was not good at math, so she escape, however, if she could choose, I thought she would prefer attend the test and then scolded by our math teacher to left alone. In that test, I showed an unbelievable potential power in math, I did a good job, better than I had expect and even better than anybody’s expect. When I wrote my paper, nothing in my head, and I even paid no attention to the question. At that time, I just felt depress and thoughtful. I still remember that’s a very cold day, nevertheless, I had ignored anything even my freezing hands.

I had the same feeling this afternoon. When I was rope skipping, there’s nothing in my brain again, so I didn’t feel any discomfort of skipping. I was stared at the pillar; just skipped and skipped, skipped faster and faster, still felt nothing.

Jorge and Marcela had married for 8 years (to the 7 December). They have a baby, a girl, and will be 5 years old (next 12 February). Before this, I really think they will be together forever and they will be the ideal couple, but… It struggled against me; I can’t stop myself thinking why they separated? And why Martha would close Club of Fan after that? I just can associate that must be something wrong that JEA had been done. Hurt his wife, and hurt his wife’s good friend Martha. The great admirer became the biggest baddy suddenly, I can’t imagine what I will do if I know the truth. Maybe I will format two of my disks at once, but now, I knew nothing except the result. That maybe the mercy result to me. No matter what, I’m sure I may lose one of important anchor for now on. I have never thought about such things would happen to me, maybe I am too innocent. All good things must come to an end, but I can’t accept such idea now.

Can’t believe, that’s truth. This Halloween I am really feel horrible.

2006-10
29

井底蛙

By xrspook @ 20:52:35 归类于: 烂日记

井底之蛙

每次站在院楼向上望我都觉得自己很渺小,院楼的中庭就像一个井,井上还加了个玻璃盖,我就像只在里面的小青蛙,看到的天空就是那么***×***平方米,我其实可以看得更高更远,但我即便连这小小几十平方米的天空都琢磨不透,我凭什么去探索更大的天空?!

我一直都渴望最尖端的科技,科学家我真的很崇拜。但如果连最基本的都不懂,我凭什么去追求高尖精?!痴人说梦。于是我经常埋怨是学院那些烂烂的实验室的烂烂仪器拖累了我们,但如果用的全是高精尖仪器我们会用么?暂且不管学院有没有那么多的经费买那些高精尖,我们真的配得其高精尖吗?大概那时是仪器埋怨我们荒废了它们了。用有限的东西做好有限的事已经很好,不该有那么多的抱怨,起码当你需要某个药品老师能及时给你提供已经是个不错的了,别的学校大概连买足够书籍和基本仪器的钱都没有。当自己一次又一次因为大头虾浪费药品的时候,我应该责备自己。人不应该经常放过自己的粗心。

现在我冷静得很,好久都没有如此冷静过。本想回到宿舍马上做一件十分重要的事,但缺了个很重要的条件,计划压后,不过今天晚上我必须完成这个任务。

井底蛙虽然现在还不能跳出这个井,但我也可以努力往上跳,从一楼跳到二楼,跳到三楼……跳到六楼,然后穿破那个玻璃,跳向我向往的地方。

2006-10
29

关于男性女性的故事

By xrspook @ 11:20:40 归类于: 书痴

不能承受的生命之轻
几年前经过通过同学的介绍,买了这本《不能承受的生命之轻》(L’insoutenable légèreté de l’être),买回来的时候曾很兴奋地拆掉透明的塑料包装,然后直接把书带进了洗手间,看了一页,准确来说应该是几行,觉得自己无法看下去(我还以为这本书是说什么哲理之类的),于是就把它放到了书架上,一放就是3年。书架上新买的书看得差不多了,于是轮到了它。然后我察觉到当年我给它下的判断很不准确,它成了“冤大头”。

 

书中主角有5个,分别是:托马斯、特蕾莎、萨比娜、弗兰茨还有卡列宁(是条雌性杂种狗)。而故事的展开就是又托马斯的感情生活开始的,特蕾莎让托马斯放弃家庭,是他的第二人妻子,萨比娜是他的情妇,而弗兰茨是萨比娜的另一个情夫,卡列宁是托马斯和特蕾莎养的小狗。关系看上去挺复杂的,但其实独自成故事,与我看到过的书不同,作者清晰地描述到每个人的思想,先是女的然后是男的,于是在他讲述女人心理活动的时候我十分惊讶,怎么他能如此的清楚,当他谈到男的心理活动的时候我真的和佩服他,佩服到五体投地。平时的作者只给我们一个角度去看故事,而他,简直是让故事三维化,我们可以从各个角度去揣摩人的各种思想。

几个主角都是出奇的神,托马斯,一个医生,他有N多的情妇,在没有遇到特蕾莎之前他有个不成文的规定:在和女性幽会后他必须独处;可以在短期内去会同一个女人,但绝不要超过三次;也可以常去看同一个女人,但两次幽会间至少得相隔三周,后两个条件是他维持“性友谊”的法则。但特蕾莎的出现打破了这个法则,于是托马斯就出了个新的法则:Es muss sein.(非如此不可)这句话是贝多芬最后一首四重奏最后一个乐章的动机,特蕾莎把贝多芬带来了,也成了托马斯以后做很多决定的准则,只要是特蕾莎想要的,想做的,他就必须放弃任何的东西Es muss sein.

特蕾莎,一个被她妈当作发泄对象的女孩。我觉得她有一种极端恐怖的复仇心理,她要补偿童年所遭受的,因此她要出人头地。她之所以要逃到布拉格找托马斯首先就是因为她要逃避母亲,逃避她的魔掌。结果,她依然没有得到幸福的生活,托马斯是爱她,而且就只爱她一个。但托马斯依然去幽会,和更多更多的女人幽会,这不是因为爱,他完完全全地把爱与做爱分开了,后者只是一个他觉得好比刷牙那么普通的事,与爱无关。但特蕾莎无法忍受,当她知道托马斯还经常和情妇萨比娜幽会的时候她表现出来的是惶恐不安。但日子可以冲淡很多,虽然她依然对托马斯鬼混而惶恐,但她还是接受了这个事实。

萨比娜,一个不断背叛的人。背叛,就是脱离原位,投向未知。萨比娜是十分享受这种投向未知的美妙。于是她背叛一个又一个,首先是她父亲,然后是她的丈夫,接着是弗兰茨。她不断在背叛中寻找快感。而弗兰茨则刚好和他相反,他忠诚,他之所以留在她妻子身边是以为他觉得妻子是母亲的影子,他必须对母亲忠诚,所以他即便和萨比娜好了多年但依旧是偷偷摸摸的,就像孩子做了坏事被母亲发现一样。一个背叛,一个忠诚,于是背叛的那个背叛了忠诚,而忠诚那个最终脱离了母亲影子的枷锁,解脱了,但又不明不白地死了。死在异国,他曾是柔道冠军,是个大块头,在异国的街头被打死了。萨比娜讨厌游行,而弗兰茨巴不得可以参加游行。弗兰茨为了萨比娜放弃离开妻子,从母亲的影子里走了出来,但萨比娜却依然背叛。弗兰茨去异国请愿大概是为了萨比娜,但到他死的那一刻,萨比娜还是不显示任何的惋惜后悔。她好狠心,人啊,怎么可以这样。

卡列宁,一个全书最单纯的主角。她是条雌性狗,陪伴着特蕾莎,最后,它死了,死于肿瘤。托马斯,她的男主人是个有名的外科医生,曾亲自为她动刀,但无济于事。人类都那么的多思,狗狗的思维简单得多。书的最后一章叫做“卡列宁的微笑”,一种完全与城市不同的生活,没有了黑暗,没有了无数的鬼混,牧歌很单纯,但很美丽。很多人不喜欢看悲剧,但悲剧有什么不妥,难道得人人都得复活过上好日子那才是世界的全部,不,人必然有一死,卡列宁如此,托马斯和特蕾莎如此,弗兰茨也是如此。书中插叙了托马斯和弗兰茨死后所得到的碑文。托马斯:他要尘世间的上帝之国;弗兰茨:迷途漫漫,终有一归,尽管托马斯一定不会接受儿子西蒙给他的这个最后的定义,尽管弗兰茨不会甘服在妻子玛丽-克洛德之下,但不得不承认,即使弗兰茨从头到尾就没有喜欢过妻子玛丽-克洛德,如果有选择他也不会让肉体回到妻子那里,但死这东西无法让他选择,碑文他也无法选择。

全书看完,除了知道了那些男女之间的很多微妙的纠缠不清的关系以外我也从令一个角度认识了苏联。苏联,从来就没有对这词了解多少,但从作者的角度他一定狠透了苏联。一个侵略了自己国家的国家,苏联让那里没有了任何自由,人们都不得不低头不语,虽然人人都不平,但要正常生活就必须漠视这一切。在这里我看到了苏联的残暴,那种没有自由的统治。

这本书让我越看越心惊,人怎么就会这样,细细分析下来原来男的女的心理都不同程度地有缺陷。“不能承受的生命之轻”我不想花时间去讨论那个问题,为什么非得去研究那些似乎很深奥又很简单的问题呢?还不如多看看细节,从细处看看这个世界然后审视自己。

2006-10
28

又一个太阳

By xrspook @ 21:54:03 归类于: 烂日记

又一个太阳

今天发生了好多不可思议的事情,很多我想过但没有说过甚至没有表示过(除非是在梦里,但也不可能,因为前天的梦是说西班牙语的,所以我都不知道到底在说什么,当然我没有会说西班牙语的状态,否则我也不会不懂,只是近来听了好多好多的西班牙语于是中招了,昨天的梦也是很普通,而且我不会说开口梦的)但今天居然发生了。难道妈的洞察能力就那么之过人?

今天发生的首先是不幸,电脑在妈玩扫雷的时候突然“暴毙”,显示器没东西了,而电脑还正常运转着,按reset之后还是听到电脑在正常运行而显示器的绿灯则一直在一闪一闪。我不惊讶,那时我正在吃早餐(已经早上10点多了),我大概知道是什么原因——内存那东西又在耍赖皮。于是开机直奔内存条,弄出来,想找个橡皮,但找不到,只好用手撮,用纯棉的布再擦擦,然后再靠在水管处除静电,现在干燥,无论是我的手还是内存条都是除一下静电再碰主板为好。插上去,开机,岂有此理,居然不行,听到好长的一声“嘟”。马上去翻书,敌人好像还有一个——显卡。显卡也是我机子耍脾气的常客,于是就动动它,还是“嘟~~~~~”,干脆把显卡拆出来,随便搞搞,插上,还是不行,真够顽固的,于是再次把它拆出来仔细清晰。这次我不放过任何一粒小东西,还记得动画片里面的赛车就是因为里面的某个地方有一颗小灰尘就几乎送掉车手性命,从那一次开始我就开始注意细小的东西了。我保证,显卡是干净了。插回去,再开机,还是“嘟~~~~~”。这次,我注意到不是显卡的问题,它的风扇转得不能再正常了。于是又回到了原点上——内存条。谁叫我家了没有橡皮啊,如果有橡皮该不会那么麻烦的,于是再次弄内存条,这次我注意到我插内存条的方法,插上去再弄一弄,因为好像插槽并不是十分的稳当,内存条有点偏,于是把它放正(因为现在立式的机箱是平放,所以放正很容易)。再开机,OK。

硬件问题算是解决了,进入到系统,发觉那个昨天晚上睡觉之前安装的AutoCAD 2006又来耍我了,又说什么注册系统有问题不能运行,我已经见过这种提示不下3次了,前几次都是在系统还原以后,这个我能理解,但,我昨天晚上才装完,能运行我才去睡觉,今天早上才刚开机,虽然死了一次但也不至于吧,偏偏它就要耍我,于是又再次删掉那该死的东西。又要重装了。

小黑(外婆家隔壁的狗狗)不见了以后,前几天隔壁又买回来了条小白狗,叫“旺财”,样子很普通,灵性也很普通。不过妈显然很喜欢逗这小不点。那小东西似乎很喜欢炫耀它的牙齿,老喜欢咬啊咬,绳子它咬,布它咬,手它也想咬。没有和它照相,狗狗不知道相机是什么,因为相机测光会闪红灯,而我又需要多次测光,所以以免这小东西不高兴,没照它。

黄昏,还不到6:00PM路灯就亮了,外婆家门口的那腐朽的“千层树”终于在前几天被砍掉,于是我能把相机放在石板凳上照路灯。路灯,我心中的太阳,能量之源。还记得小手,左手拖住妈,右手抓住爸,在回家的路上我一直盯着路灯,那些黄色的路灯,眯着眼睛,我感觉到那一簇簇的光线进入我的眼睛,我称那个过程叫做“吸收能量”,喜欢眯着眼睛“吸收能量”。已经不是小孩子了,不会拖着父母的手眯眼看路灯。已经好久好久把这个“太阳”搁在了一边,今天无意之中我再次发现了它。

很很偶然的机会买了手表,一个我掂量了好久的牌子,一个我想都没想过的型号,就这样,手腕“真空”的日子结束了。买了个很“淑女”的手表,起码卖这个手表的那些描述是这么说的。不知道妈是哪来的决心,我是个十分随便的人,要成交一件事真的好简单,于是就在不到15分钟之内,成交了。惊喜,真的是惊喜。拖了好久的手表终于有着落了,以一种很简单的方式,与我之前所考虑的完全不同。

回来之后知道了一个让我震惊的消息,Jorge Enrique AbelloMarcela Salazar J.离婚了,离婚,我万万想不到。我以为他们会是永远的一对,从知道的种种迹象表明他们是对模范的夫妻,是个和睦的家庭,充满了爱,但如今,Marcela Salazar J.出来说Jorge Enrique Abello不再是她丈夫了。震惊,真的很震惊。想起前段日子做过篇6级阅读,说的是美国的离婚问题,文章说他们离婚不是因为什么深仇大恨或不愉快什么的,因为他们太理想主义了,他们所希望的东西太完美了,于是当自己的另一半不能匹配自己理想中的完美的时候他们离婚了。他们离婚不代表他们不相爱,他们不再是朋友了,只不过他们觉得他们能有更好更理想的选择,所以,两人就此分开。我,作为一个传统的中国人不能接受这个。既然决定要在一起就必须学会忍让,特别是这种一生一世的选择。宁愿不时和对方打骂大打一场也好比无声无息的分开,所什么性格不合的好。神话消失了,就想打破了魔镜一般,有点彷徨的感觉。连我觉得最有可能永远的东西也不能永远,到底什么才能永远啊!

今天,首先是乌云遮蔽了太阳,但太阳还是出来了,还照耀了好一阵子,但在最后太阳又出现了阴影。希望那阴影只是太阳运动的太阳黑子而已,我宁愿我从来没看过或者看错了。

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