2004-11
7

Feeling of Waiting for the Barbarians(publish on weekend)

By xrspook @ 12:55:46 归类于:想当年的作业

J.M. Coetzee writes waiting for the barbariass. He is a famous writer of South Africa. Last year, he got the Nobel Prize of literature. Reading his books is by chance. Because this year some of his books were published in China widely, and I know he is not an ordinary writer, no only write some simple life and landscape, his books are all meaningful, need to be chewed.

 

I like the Colombia writer Garcia Marquez’s books very much. One Hundred Year of Solitude is my most love book. This book has its deep, need us to chew it carefully. At first, you will feel very funny, but as the story went on, you will fall into deeply thinking, at last, you will have a strong echo in your heart, you almost feel cannot help but be sad for the hero.

 

Waiting for The Barbarians gives me the same feeling. The main role of the book is not the real hero, or you can say he is not the traditional hero. Though in many form and thought he is strange, he was right and stand for justice, at the same time, in some parts of him show he just a useless man, a rubbish, also you will very hate him. Because his in capable and despicable. (Sex, I think is not a very guilty thing in foreign country, at least in South Africa and Colombia, they show me that it just a human normal needing, and not be afraid to talk about it) Of course, read those books are not for those things. If use a Chinese thinking method to decide, the protagonist just a normal person, and the writer in China won’t write such a story, because they think Chinese used to super hero, and all the protagonist must perfect. But I think we need a vivid person not a dream person, a god! The writers in China can’t find out such a race problem, and they don’t want to talk about the social in fiction, I think it is a big problem.

 

From the book, I find a really vivid person. Though he is a very strange and has different kinds of contradiction, all his thought are most different from others (the person are written in that book).

 

The main ideas of that book show some social problems to us in its special way. Through the curious and pure imagine story, we don’t just see the distorted imagine world, and unthinkable person but we saw another part of our really world and maybe can see ourselves or our friends. The people are all unimaginable, but it really happens around us. The book as a mirror lets us see our world and ourselves. It’s the power of literature. A story came out are not just for amuse, let people waste their time easily, they must show some big problems, but now from directly taking punitive action against, it use its tactful way.

 

Waiting for The Barbarians show us the problem of civilization and barbarous. What’s civilization? Who are barbarians? Why need to wait for them? The writer did not give us a certain answer, but after reading, you will be surely hold your believe.

 

Because of some social problems that people can’t explain, they make out barbarians. Because of solving these barbarians they catch some innocent herdsman, put the entire criminal on them use ferocious ay punish them. For the social problem hadn’t been solved yet in such wrong way, they have to catch more innocent people to perform their duty perfunctorily. Barbarians became the representative crime. The protagonist is an administrator; also because of his strange and useless activity, he became a prisoner, and then suffers terrible beat up and unthinkable torture. At last, annihilate barbarians certainly can’t success. The armies of destroy barbarians because of plenty of nature reason (nature reasons are all made by themselves, such as desert and can’t find water). Nature and themselves broke down the unbreakable army instead of the dummy barbarians. This story didn’t have a clear ending, when I read the last sentence, the story still go on in my mind, the villages’ future and the administrator’s life. It’s made me have a very big association. I can’t forget them in a long time; I think a lot of things. The ugly part of the really world, suddenly I know the modern world terrible crisis I have duty to do something for the whole world, also I feel I’m tiny, maybe all the things I have done are do not impact anything. I want to change, but I can’t become the second protagonist.

 

The most moving me part is the description of the details of beating and the terrible torture. They are so real, just like the bloody things happen in front of me. All the wounds are so clear, the cause of them are descript, you almost can feel that pain. The way of J.M Coetzee descript of these things are so different from others. He uses the first person, but others usually uses the third person, the angle is so different, and make me have real feeling. I am present on the spot, become a part of the story, suffer the things, I can’t say the feeling words, but I really feel it.

 

J.Z Coetzee is so great! The social need such person to let us know the weak point. That’s the really “applications of literature ”, ordinary personnel to wake up from sleeping emptiness.

2004-11
7

Responsibility

By xrspook @ 1:35:18 归类于:烂日记

虽然题目是英文,但我却没打算用英文完成这篇文章。因为提到“责任”,因为我觉得自己又负了一次责任。

我又为danzhuBetty网更新了,一连来了2个post, 因为十月份太忙,当我想在最后两个星期更新的时候又怎么都连不上Bloggerblogger实在太多人用了,无论设备和速度都比不上世界上或者国内的很多写blog的地方,但它有一点是做得很好的就是知道自己因为有太多用户经常不稳定,所以为每一blog都提供了方便的FTP设置,可以使blog架在别的地方而免遭威胁,或因浏览者过多而被封。每个月去更新成了我不成文的责任。

开始的时候认为danzhu给了这个权利给我就要好好利用,不去辜负她。但如今,我的动力已经完全改变,随着danzhudl25开始不管理更新网页以后,我就成为那里有新信息的唯一希望。如今我的动力是我不去更新,中国Betty迷就没有“家”。还差2个月,我就更新管理1年了。这个Betty中国网是在2002年9月开的,我从2004年1月开始发表我的第一个post,快一年了。

在这一年里我尽心尽力把我搜集到的所有有关Yo soy Betty, la Fea, AMOJEA的东西都放到那里。搜集花去的时间还不算多,更烦我的是怎样把我下载,我拥有,但却不能把下载资源展示的东西放上去给别人下载。由一开始想利用系统原有的上存功能,再到与danzhu联系,让她上存,然后到利用yahoo公文包,最后到现在利用永硕硬盘。可以说,我一直都在为如何把我的视频和大家分享烦恼。身为一个超级fans,我完全理解fans们是如何渴望看到那个网有更新的,因为我曾几何时也是期盼的一员。但原来看到自己有资源,但却苦无办法与大家分享也很烦恼,管理人员也有很烦的一面。一个晚上,5、6个小时都上不了发表文章的时候,自己有能力,有精力,但客观环境不允许,也是一件很烦人的事。

发表的2个post都是有关JEAAnita, no te rajes的东东。第一个的日期我写为2004年10月31日,是以我对Anita, no te rajes剧情叙述为主,加了一个有分集剧照的连接,只有一个主题曲的视频可下载。第二个post是全部由视频组成,一共有十几个视频,都是我辛苦寻找回来的资料。其中还有我用snooper和影音传送带搞下来的Anita, no te rajes片段,可以说是呕心沥血。我知道,当年的danzhu也会像我现在这么疯狂,甚至比我还要疯。她对的是“Yo soy Betty, la Fea”我对的是“Jorge Enrique Abello”。

今天的日记也换了本子,更厚,一篇日记打算写2面,也就是1页,这样就不用怕不够位置要写微缩英语了。英语天天写也不是办法,用来用去都是几个词,我自己也闷,我需要的是有质量的文章。

做个负责任的人。(我不是在卖XX广告)

2004-11
6

亲人的生日(又名:抱紧眼前人)

By xrspook @ 0:44:04 归类于:烂日记

我的家庭是个亲密的家庭,所以在此环境下成长的我也是如此的XX。我不会无情无义,我不会丢下别人不管,我不会不负责任,是我的长辈,是我的父母用行动教会我这些。身为独生子女,我要面对的不是自己的亲生兄弟姐妹,我的表X也是独生,但在如此的家庭,我不觉得我们从小就一定会娇生惯养。当他人认为我们一定是家庭的“小公主”、“小王子”的时候,其实我们亲自遭受的更多。因为出生的只是一个普通得不能再普通的家庭,因此大人们什么都吃,他们也要你必须什么都吃,根本就不存在“不”,没有哥和姐可以站出来为你求情或遮风挡雨,所有问题必须自己面对。但这并不造就我独立的性格,因为团结的家庭为你想得实在太周到了,所以我学到的就是服从,最厉害的就是从不挑食。食物在我的口中几乎没有好吃和不好吃的区别,反正难吃要吃好吃也没太多,想它好不好有什么用呢?

今天搞生日的是我的“四姑婆”(外公的姐姐),在我的记忆中,对上一次她搞生日的时候我还是小学一、二年级。N年了,当时的隆重,当时的热闹,当时的兴奋,和当时的我只能从相片中寻找,寻找那失落的回忆。当时的她是那么的英明、精神、威武,而如今,却变成了笨重、糊涂。她是何氏家族最后一个外公级辈分的人。日子就是这样无声无息的从你的身边溜走。前两年的“七叔公”今年的“外公”就在不觉见离开了。人总是到失去了的时候才会想到珍惜,当过去的时候才觉得后悔。当我赚到我人生的第一次钱,得到第一次工资的时候外公已经不在,就差半年,但他永远也不会在这个世上看到了,他的孙女终于有养活自己的能力了,不在是只让他操心的黄毛丫头。但如今,我永远也不能向他作出证明。

今天的生日远没有我记忆中的热闹。人虽然至少了两个,但又多了几个几岁小的。从前的小孩如今都已长大成人,我是其中一个。表姐要实习不能来,表哥到了厦门也不能来,我最亲密的朋友一个也没有。我没有了当年的稚气,多了冷漠,没有了活泼,只有发呆。四处窜跑的身影不在是我,而是几岁的新成员。我被冷冻在永久冰库里。五十岁以上的大人们谈得如火如荼,几岁的小朋友玩得兴高采烈,惟独我,孤独。

当年四姑婆的霸气我还印象深刻,但如今出现在她眼里的更多的是近几年我在外公眼里看到的茫然、空洞。外公一家并不富裕,又或许你可以说很穷。外公以前是当搬运工的,也当过“蛋家”,四姑婆从小就自立很强。不知怎的到了香港当了仆人。她聪明、能干、勤奋、吃苦耐劳,当是中国十分落后,每当她节衣缩食然后把东西(国内东西缺乏)从香港带回来的时候,家里的人是多么的兴奋。我从小就被教育的要崇拜她,因为每次她回来都会有好吃的好穿的,简直就是救星。牛肉干、糖果、橙汁粉……甚至我小时候吃的奶粉都是她带回来的,在我的小心灵里,她就是一个富婆,香港的人都是富婆,但事实,当我懂事以后我才意识到回来的风光她要付出多少不可想象的代价。很小的时候她都是回来一大袋,走的时候很轻松。不知过了多久,她老了,中国也富裕起来了,她不再需要买太多的东西回来,然后情况就相反了,来的时候很少走的时候一大堆,一大堆里面都是那些我不懂价值的古物菩萨之类的东西,从那开始她的形象开始没那么高大了。但还是那么的精明,脑袋比任何人都快。如今,随着时间的漂移,她终于有点坠落了。93岁,能有多少个93岁啊!她行动不方便,站都站不稳,几乎都要轮椅,最厉害脑子也大不如前,开始有我外公的一点对钱钻牛角尖的迹象。人毕竟不是机器,有磨损消耗退化老化的时候,但谁又能制造出一种93年长期不停运作而又没有毛病的机器呢。相对于80多就去世的外公,她的情况好很多了。当她80多的时候她还是女强人。

这次她是从香港回来的,我不知道还能有多少次,因为命运是不会让你知道谜底的。她这辈子都没有结过婚,没子没女,妈和妈的兄弟姐妹就是她的子女,他们不照顾她谁照顾她啊!在香港她很久就和一个男人同居,互相照顾,我叫他“丈公”。也许在从前可以说是“互相”但现在就只有丈公一个人单向照顾她了,因为丈公80岁,虽然说年纪较小,但实际上都是要照顾的老人了。这次就是丈公一个人带她从香港回来,不容易啊!

他们的老故事我没记清楚,他们的时代因此我无法想象,所以我不要就这样被无边的尘土覆盖和被无情的时间所冲刷得无影无踪。

在表面上,我是个木头人,但实际上,我内心的激情在澎湃,最后请让我衷心的说一句——“生日快乐”!

2004-11
5

I Am The Ugly One

By xrspook @ 21:46:00 归类于:烂日记

The university sports meeting eventually held today. I didn’t hold and hope or confidence long before. I won’t be the superstar; the only request is I wouldn’t be the ugly one. Actually, my terrible dream came true.

 

Arrived at the Huashang playground, and I had to find one to hold my tennis pat, there were only two people I know, I had no choice but one. Wait a while, and I had to go to check in. They asked me to go there before my item started, so I did it. As the tradition of SCAU, they wouldn’t start their work on time. SCAU has a very strange tradition; the entire athletes have their own amahs. The amahs help athletes do some things and let them to do better. My amah is a female, and just like a SBB. I didn’t know how to say my demand and he didn’t know how to do something to make me better either.

 

I saw a girl in my Food College dressed in all red, the red vest and the red shorts; all the dresses just liked the professor athletes. In the college select compete; I had experience her “professor”(just look like) preparative exercise. And this time, her dress showed her must be the superstar, but I wonder, could she do that. Because even in the college select compete, she just got the second prize (and I was the third), did she hold her strength, I didn’t know, and none of my business. Her amahs also use something to gather up, to let her muscles to in the fittest state, I also wonder whether it was useful, even so, I wouldn’t let it happen on me. The reason was her amah is a girl and mine is a boy. My SBB amah was still SBB. He knew nothing at all. I had to do my preparation and he stands far away, and just nursing my bag and shoes. The “professor” girl started her “professor” preparation still. The female 100-metre race was about to start. I was in the first group, and without a real amah, I had to find someone to affirm. So I asked the “professor” girl in my group, and her answer (in a cold voice) was “Of count! Are you sleeping?” At that time, I really wanted to give her a heavy punch, and let her collapse before the completion. But I controlled myself and replied a “thank you” as a manner. In fact, the raging fire was burning inside, if I did a good job, I would “give you some cooler to see see”. But this thought disappear rapidly, the fact let it die. When I still drive my run up machine, the judge shout “ready”, I had to squatted in a very uncomfortable way, and when begin, my heart was still in its proper place. When I started my running, I had 5 meters behind other. And I was also not a superman; I couldn’t let the miracle to happen. I lose in a very ugly way. And the “professor ” girl got the first prize of this group. But after a while, I heard she still couldn’t attend the final, though she and me were in the same college, in a short time, I really felt a little happy. Was I a “bad heart” one?

 

It seemed I could go home. I went to get back my tennis pat, and could leave the sad place. But another accident that shows my ugly happened.

 

My classmate who kept my tennis pat was not there. And I asked anybody I knew, but still could not find her, so it meant I couldn’t leave. I didn’t afraid. I found anywhere of the playground, asked anybody just liked a mad person, but the result was still zero. After two hour, I still couldn’t fine her. After the completion, I didn’t why my knee was bleeding, my amah asked me at that time, I just say nothing serious, and after two hours I still had no pain, the wound looked a little terrible, but actually or by heart, I really felt nothing. Even though I forgot I have hurt. The biggest problem was I must find out my tennis pat classmate. She didn’t have mobile phone and nobody knew where she was. After two hours searching, I didn’t have any endurance anymore. When I saw my other classmates, I would immediately yell at them. I didn’t how horrible I was, but I must be a crazy man. Yelling at anybody, and the action just liked I killed the people who disappeared with my tennis pat. I couldn’t control myself, I just knew to show my feeling at that way, but in fact, I was just impatient and had no complaint to that classmate at all. In others’ eyes, my visualize must be completely collapse. That’s my emotion weak point. I had no different between Antonio (La Coteña y El Cachao) always complains, and Armando at the very beginning always yell at others. I didn’t know whether others would remember this thing forever, if it did, I had no choice.

我把我最丑恶的一面都在今天展现了。失败的比赛,失败的交流,失败的表达,失败的控制……虽然这一切都不是我想怎样就怎样的,但这就是我的致命弱点,我接受,我必须接受。我需要从中改正,与此同时我需要时间我需要试验,希望他人会给我。我要成为一个新的我。现在回想起,我还有一个缺点就是现在不喜欢别人挑我的刺,对我说“no, no, no”,我必须改掉。我要成为勇于面对诤言的从前的无私的小时候的我,剔除自己的任何私心,做一个单纯的人,虽然单纯的人很傻,但只有很傻的人才能无私地为人民服务。

xrspook, the ugly one, is the last time to be the ugly. 

2004-11
4

Some Knots In My Stomach

By xrspook @ 0:46:35 归类于:烂日记

Because of tomorrow sports meeting, I couldn’t go home today. It’s really an extremely good chance. Because of 0.5point, I miss a golden chance. After three weeks we will have tennis test, but now I couldn’t control my ball, as I liked. And the most terrible thing was I had to have 800-metre race test next week or the week after the next week. 800-metre is my biggest knot. Every time I afraid of it very much. Maybe for it’s terrible process, it just continual a few minutes, but during this time I will just like going to the hell and then coming back, the bad feeling can’t describe by words. All the muscles of your body are very tired, and your breath heavily, each breath you can feel the pain from your nose, you mouse, your trachea and your lung. Your body no matter inside or outside is in a more unconformable state. And then after the nonhuman 4 minutes, I will like catch a terrible cold for a week. So I like all the sport except 800-metre race, I can’t stand that horrible feeling. So now, I began to be afraid that test, though I know I must past or get a full mark, I really hate that test.

心结还有中午送来的摄影协会的开会通知,可恶到了极点!今天要开会,明晚也要开会,把我一切的计划都破坏到体无完肤。已经没有人理会它了,为什么它还是给我们来通知。最惨的是我们的学术活动手册都扣留在它那里,无论如何今天晚上也要去,谁叫我们星期一做了不好的XX勾当。

可恶可恶,今天晚上听的又是那个党委的“梁主任”。军训期间已见识过他说话的厉害,普通话极端不准,说话长气得无法形容,今天又是他经典的“今天我们的话题就从这里开始”,此时,全场04大一新生都发出了起哄,回想一个月前军训期间在开大会的时候,以为他要说完,谁知说了这句话,使我们掉进了深渊……虽然环境不同,但我们还心有余悸,惊弓之鸟嘛,心有感触。这个讲座本来是有0.2分,但我们的学术手册还没到,以为可以来拿,谁知其他人都有,今天又要上交才有0.2分,这不是耍我们吗?扣留了我们的手册,又搞到我们白坐2个半小时,很讨厌,决定明晚一定不去开它的会员大会,哼,give you some colour to see see(胡说)。

How can I solve my knot?

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