我的天

也不知道自己在写什么，也不知道自己在追求什么，不知道，不知道，到底“我的天”在哪里？

突然好像没有了什么追求，到底梦想是什么？我每天在为何而奔波？简而言之就是，我为何而生？不知道，不知道，不知道。日子就混沌地过，没日没夜，心灵没有被触动的时刻，没有思维，一切都在逻辑地进行。

昨天晚上不能上网，不单我急，妈也很急，甚至她打的电话比我还要多，当然，这不是因为我的语言表达有问题。对骂人的电话我最在行。小学六年级就被老师命令要打电话到某某同学家向那家长投诉某某怎么怎么，用的要是老师的口吻，当时不觉怎么，但学生毕竟不是老师，虽然是一个班长，但做这件事到底是不合适的，而且我还被迫愤斥了3次，现在想起来真的觉得我的老师有点心理变态，怎么可以叫学生为她干这些东西。

也许是那些文章，是妈明白了我的blog到底是干嘛的，我到底在耗费一大堆时间在干什么。因此对于上网的问题，她很在意。这从另一角度也是一个维权的方法，我们交了钱我们就有上网的权利。

今天和平时一样，也是吃饭，逛超市，然后睡觉，然后再吃饭，然后乘车回家。一切都好像铁定的规矩，我无法改变似的。

刚才无意中发现了表哥 fengyjq 的blog〖心潮〗 ，原来他也有blog，而且好像发现了一篇很感人的文章不定时日志——感受25年的父爱 :: 〖心潮〗原来就在身边的人也在用blog来讲述他的故事，我看来不孤独了。

为了英文话剧，去找了法国电影《蝴蝶》的歌，真的很好听，绝对配我们的东西，希望自己能够成功。不过到现在为止，还没有什么心情把剧本打出来。我实在太没有moon了。

我是什么？

附：《蝴蝶》的下载地址和歌词：

近段日子要烦恼的是英文的短话剧的问题。好容易，昨天晚上终于赶出了女生这边的剧本。本来已经发誓不写的了，但是最终还是不得不出山。自己太心软了。自己也太自私了，我不应该这样，但是如果我不干，女生这边又好像搞不起来，她们就根本没有要搞的欲望，我也不明白她们为什么这样子。难道就只有我和学委两个人每天因此烦恼不堪，其他女生就可以“事不关己，高高挂起”吗？她们难道就没有集体荣誉感？我的天！我不知道是不是，反正我觉得有点是这样。

昨天晚上剧本一直赶到1点多AM才成功，最后为了收集意见终于是2：00AM睡觉。我也不知道自己是不是疯了。别人说她对了2个小时的英文就头痛，想什么都想不出来了，我对了4个小时又怎样？到头还是不管你清醒不清醒，反正就是要想出来。看到如此，听到如此的反应，我会经常问自己，自己到底这般“搏命”为了什么？反正耗费的是自己的时间，反正对于其他人，简短的10分钟话剧就是10分钟的无聊欣赏。我也不知道自己尽心尽力为了什么，还不如想一想电脑制作。但自己的性格就是如此，即使别人不干，即使其他所有人把集体荣誉都当成耳边风，但自己的良心放不过自己，我还是要努力。心里虽然愤愤不平，但还是干了。

今天早上，是女生的剧本和男生的剧本的投票，然后调出最终剧本。票数开始很接近，是13：13，但班里有33人，就是有7人没有投票。第二次，男生的剧本有18票，他们赢了。你知道我但是是多么失落吗？但我尽量使自己的情绪稳定，我不知道自己的表情是不是很不妥。但过了一会儿，突然又经过班长学委的再次讨论又采用采用了女生的方案。峰回路转，让我感到很不自在。自己赢得不光明正大，我也有点不好意思。但是没有留意男生剧本编剧的表情。因为我真的觉得他很大量。女生的剧本虽然我是“暗地里”的指导，但我并没有直接去介绍，而是让学委去介绍了，但是她不知是不是睡不够，语言表达有点问题。于是在第二轮的拉票的时候，我直接出去讲了，直到那时，那些男生才知道暗地里的指导是我，而我才是最清楚所有一切的人。

我不知道自己当时是不是很激动，但我只是想表达我自己的感受，我不知道听起来是不是有点跟男生编剧对着干的感觉。在我说完以后，他出来说了，说我们的编剧很有深度，也很有创意，但是我们没有如此的条件来把这个剧本演出来。因为需要很多的人物动作和表情，而除非有专业的水平，否则是很难做到的。他提醒了我。我实在太完美主义了，全部的角色都是以我自己的水平编写，不是人人都可以做出如此的动作和表情，说出如此语调的话的。我看电视看多了，而且研究演员，特别是Jorge Enrique Abello太多了，似乎已经把他的专业变成很平常的事了，的确我和我的同学都不是天才，我们做不到他的水平。剧本里的所有角色我都十分熟悉，也能把他们生动地演出来，但我只是一个xrspook我不是整个团体，我不能分身，我绝对不能如此自私。

但是，我认为的误会还是最终发生了。得而复失我知道很痛苦，更何况我们把男编剧也编在我们的剧里面的。于是，下午的第一次演练，他推掉了他的角色。我不知道，这是不是我的错，但我觉得无论怎样，我还是要付一部分责任。如果不是我，他也许就已经很神采飞扬地指挥他的剧本了，那时可能失落的人是我，但，我真的宁愿伤心的人是我。我好像又在无意中伤人了。

下午的排练进行得挺好。大家都很积极，除了一些不可避免的问题。不过当然啦，最终出来的效果和我预料的还有距离，看来我的语言表现能力还有待提高，我不能使自己脑子里的影像成为真实。原来剧本和出来的效果还是有差距的。但我的剧本也实在有点不切实际，太高深了，高估了大家和我的水平了，哎！但世界上没有后悔药啊！！！

看来无论怎样，还是要对他道歉，要不真的过不了良心这关。

Believe or not, we can surf online in our classes, the teacher opened the funtion of online to us!!! What a great!!!

And the speed also miracle!!! Of course the homepage is http://scau.edu.cn, the speed is just 0.5 second or less. Without any hestitate, I typed "http://xrspook.blogbus.com" into the url. My blog appeared at once. It almost came out at 2-3 seconds, this speed even couldn’t be seen at home. I think, this means the really light-fibre. It’s the really speed of SCAU. Before I came here, someone had told me that SCAU had a very good network. However, until that moment, I proved it’s true.

The hardware is so great, in fact, the softwares still have a lot of thing to be improved. When doing the surfing, plenty of error report appeared. The computers there are all Windows2000, and the stability are worse than my Windows98 at home. But, all of this, I can forgive it, as long as I can surf online, I’m very satisfactory.

Can finish my diaries publish here are great! The only question is about the system itself. When I copied the diary from "notebook" to BlogBus "New Entry", somethings wrong occured. A lot of < p > appeared automaticly. So the diary looked very strange. And found back the essay  on "notebook", the < P >problem make by the function of "automatic change line", but I set the same function at home, but never met such strange situation. I have no idea about it. So I had to type the diary in BlogBus, and then copied them to my "notebook".

And a lot of comments appeared. Do you know how excited I was at that moment! However, about 4 or 5 were written by the same person, and undoubtedly, he’s rubbish publishing, so I deleted some of them. Why my blog will become a rubbish can???

I don’t know whether that person did really want to make friend with me, or just want to do some advertismed, and then waste his time, including waste mine. I don’t know why.

No matter what, can surf, that’s enough.

This Thursday, our class must hand out a play script for next English classes. In my opinion, it’s great, change to toughen ourselves, however, at their sides, it’sjust a terrible nightmare. Having learning English for such a long time, and our teacher has done so much thing to encourage them to find the fun of English and enjoy it, why can’t they accept such a thought.

Take everything as a target, everygthing will be difficult to us. "To enjoy it is better than to learn it". The interest is the greatest teacher, it can courage us to face all the setbacks. So, I prefer to look everything  as my friends if it’s possible. About English, I have taken it as necessary thing of daily life, I can’t get rid of it, and at the same time, I don’t think it’s just a course of study. I learn it is not just for getting a good mark. My level, my knowledge of it can’t be described by mark.

This time, because of wonder perform of the last debate and my presentation this term, they choose me to write the play scripe again. I can’t be selfdish, I can’t alway show time and don’t give them any chances! They can do it too! But they never pay their hearts at it, even they never think about it all! They just used the excuse of they hadn’t done it before, so they didn’t do it this time. We are not professional scriptwriter, so it’s a brand new thing for everybody, including me!!! I don’t want to hurt them again, I’m not a surper star, I prefer to conceal myself and let other shine.

I won’t write the play script, though I really want to, I eager to do that, yet I can’t deprive their right of writing it freely. Maybe, or of course they will despair this time of my decision. Therefore, I prefer to be a sin, and teach them a lesson. They can lean on me, but I’m not their anchor forever, I must teach them how to stand by themselves, use their own ability to finish some project. They can too!

So even to be a sin, I must stick to my decision, I won’t write the play script, yet I still will do it secretly:)

For a long time, I looked my chemistry teacher Gao as a monster. I felt she always have some speciali opinion on me. When others asked her some questions, she would be kind to answer, with smile however, she just showed the strict face to me. What’s wrong?

Someone told me that she was pregnant, and would be in holiday for a long time, so she didn’t come to our chemical experience this tearm. To my surprise, she came back again. How astonished I was! Is some one tricking me? But from her belly’s size, she really has a baby, and the birth of his/hers will come very soon. Because of the last experiment was too dangerous so she asked another teacher to make the place of her? I just can find this only reason.

Saw her again made me feel a lot. Surprise, happy and disappointed.

Because of the little fault last time, we had a extremely few produst. When we told her the quatity, an astonish face came out. We didn’t know how to continue, all of us knew, after the refined process this time, we will almost have no product. The original quatity was 0.11g, and  what would be the improved one? At this situation, she also encourage us to continue this experiment, and when we went back to start, I saw a smile on her face, and I did it back. We knew we would do a job without a real result, however, with a little courage, we still worked on it.

At last, after the experiment today, our quatity was 0.07g, and it means the redeeming was 2.30%, in fact, the normal redeeming should be 50%. What had we done? Undoubtedly, we damaged the experiment and destroyed ourselves.

I had no idea about the answer of the questions at that experiment. With little courage, I asked her directly. I never hoped I could get something from her, however, the miracle happened again, she really answered some of them. I didn ‘t know to answer sincerely, and she answered it. As a teacher, she should do, but I’m really very surprise she will do it to me.

To her, I changed a little of my judgement.